Mom Breaks the Alone Barrier 1001:28

Sunday evening I called Mom.  She lives 600 miles away from me, but my brother lives only a few miles from her.  She lives independently in a Senior Condominium Community in a small town.  Dad died 2 years ago Valentine's Day, which put Mom in the position of living alone for the first time in her life.  She is a remarkably healthy, alert and opinionated 90-year-old woman.

A few weeks ago, at the end of the year, her beloved companion, Missy the polydactyl ginger cat, died at a goodly age.  "She left me last night," Mom informed me on the phone, and she cried a little.  The cat was one more link to Dad, to their farm, and to life as she knew it, gone like everything goes if you decide to keep on living as long as you can.  She said that she had cried for her husband, and she was crying now for her cat.  She felt alone, and I hated myself for not being there with her.  She is, indeed, alone, with no one to talk to at night.  Missy was a great listener, and understood things.

But Mom is not one to lie down and quit.  She goes to the church at the edge of her subdivision every Wednesday for choir practice, and every Sunday for church.  She has a beautiful voice, although the last year she has sadly noted that it cracks now and then.  She went last week on a trip to a casino, 4 hours one-way, which is a little difficult for her.  She went anyway, with an acquaintance, and "got out" as she puts it.  She sometimes goes to the Senior Site in her town, which serves inexpensive hot lunches every day.  It also offers a Pinochle Club on Fridays, which Mom attends pretty regular. 

However, there are times when she is alone.  She has been reluctant to go anywhere by herself.  My brother runs a nice Wednesday luncheon at the VFW where he is Commander.  The VFW is like a second home to my family; Dad was a Marine veteran of WW2.  We went all the time.  But after Dad died, it was hard for Mom to go places they had always shared.   For many people, sitting alone has a negative or even shameful tinge.  I suspect part of her reluctance comes from the social view, held through  the 60s, that any single woman who goes to certain places by herself is not respectable, and is looking for a man.  Its still a conservative area she lives in.  And 90 or not, Mom is very conscious of the social mores.

Since I live alone, I compare my situation to hers, and assure her that lots of people go places by themselves.  It takes practice, if you're not used to it, I told her.  Try going to the library, everybody goes to the library alone.  She agreed that that was true.  But, for whatever reasons, she wouldn't go out and be part of the community unless she had a companion to anchor her.

Until Sunday.  She was giving me a list of her Sunday activities--went to church, went to dinner, went home and started watching TV ministers.  She went right past the "went to dinner," but I still caught it.

"Who'd you go to dinner with?" I asked, cautiously.

"Nobody.  I just went by myself.  I left church and said, 'well, I'm hungy,' and I decided to go have a nice meal." 

So, just like that.  Her moment came of itself.  I patted her on the back over the phone with much fuss and joy.

She said, "I guess I'm getting better."  She described her venture.  She requested and got a booth at the local buffet restaurant.  A family she knew walked in shortly after her, and exchanged greetings as they passed.  Mom sat and looked around and finished her meal.  She went by and talked a bit with the friends, and then went home.  She said she had a nice time.  And she added that she could take as much time as she wanted to eat, when she was by herself.

I am going to visit my Mom in a few days.  A few yearly trips to see her is what I can do.  I and my siblings try to get her to come and stay with us, at least visit us.  She is cautious; one of her old neighbors from the farm went to live with her daughter in Denver, and she told Mom that she was miserable there, with no old friends to visit.  I think its a difference in personality, and in passion for life, that is a deciding factor with Mom.  I think she'd be fine whatever she made up her mind to do.  "Making up her mind to do" being the deciding point.

She is not a quitter.  Mom goes right on living.  She said to me after Dad died, "Some people want to die when their husband dies, but I don't.  I want to go on living."  And she does.  She keeps making necessary changes.  One giant step for one small woman.  Another barrier bites the dust.  I sure hope I can live up to her standards.